Needing Holder
by DrKCooper
Summary: Missing scenes from "Try" (3x08), "Reckoning" (3x09) and "Six Minutes" (3x10). Why is this fandom not HUGE? And why aren't these actors up for Emmys? Rating begins at K; Chapter 4 is rated M .
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: All recognizable _The Killing_ characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to AMC. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended._

_Author's Note: Missing scenes from "Try" (3x8) and "Reckoning" (3x9). I began this piece after "Try," but then I saw "Reckoning" and realized that they are both emotional episodes that left both Linden and Holder vulnerable to one another—a sight to behold. Chapter breaks will likely coincide with episodes. Obvious spoilers if you haven't seen the episodes yet. May continue depending on how the final episodes of the season go. Enjoy! –DKC_

**Needing Holder**

Detective Holder continued rubbing Linden's back and shoulder as tears streamed down her usually stoic face. The adrenaline finally made Sarah Linden crack. Holder wished he could put a wall between them and the prying eyes. Shouldn't being taken by an unstable man grant a person that?

"Come here," Holder held his hand out to help Linden to her feet.

Leading Linden by the small of her back, he took her to a waiting squad car. Helping her into the back seat, Holder climbed in next to her, leaving the door open.

"Reddick! Make your ass useful," Holder demanded.

The usually crass Detective Reddick stood near the open car door, but out of hearing distance. His back to the car, he was effectively shielding the two detectives from the prying eyes that had been on them as they sat on the pier.

"Linden," Holder whispered.

Appreciating the semi-private backseat, Sarah Linden turned into her partner and let go. Her sobs shook her body and her tears soaked the front of Holder's sweatshirt. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as she fell apart. Between the adrenaline that had built throughout the ordeal and the dissipation of fear, Linden's emotions were haywire.

Linden leaned back, attempting to pull herself together. She wiped furiously at her tears. Holder kept his hands on her hips.

"You called me Sarah," she said.

"Huh?" Holder questioned.

"Back there," she gestured to the pier.

"You were shielding him, Linden. I didn't want you to get hurt."

"I didn't want you to shoot him."

"When are you going to worry about yourself?" Holder's voice was that of concern and slight frustration.

Linden leaned forward, resting her forehead against Holder's chest. Her lack of response was an answer in itself. He knew that this is who his partner was. She was reckless with her own life in an attempt to save the lives of others. For the sake of justice, there was nothing Linden wouldn't do.

"I'm going to get an officer to drive you home," Holder told his broken partner.

"Home," Linden chuckled softly thinking about how she hadn't had a real home in years, just a series of temporary living arrangements, most of them hotels.

…

Holder had arrived at Linden's hotel room with Chinese takeout and a listening ear. They spoke frankly about Linden losing Jack as well as Holder stealing from his nephew while he was abusing drugs. It was a breakthrough for them. Unfortunately, Linden's walls were going back up and their discussion quickly turned to the Seward case. Holder offered her "a fresh pair of eyes" and she reluctantly accepted.

"Want me to get out of here so you can catch some sleep?" Holder asked.

"I don't know that I'll be able to sleep," Linden admitted.

"You should try," Holder suggested.

Linden rubbed her eyes, looking away from Holder.

"I could stay," Holder offered.

"Shouldn't you be getting home to…"

"We're ain't exactly bone…" Holder was cut off by Linden, just as he had cut her off.

"I don't need to hear that."

There was silence between them as Holder's lanky frame hovered over a seated Linden. He locked his hands behind his head and looked to the ceiling.

"Maybe if you remembered Valentine's Day," Linden offered a slight smirk when he looked down at her.

"Oh, snap!" Holder ostentatiously responded.

Linden simply smiled at Holder as she stood up and stretched her back. Sitting in that car with Pastor Mike for as long as she did had taken a toll on her body.

"You and I aren't easy people to be with," Linden reflected, not making eye contact with Holder.

"Speak for yourself, Linden," Holder attempted a sardonic smile.

"Hey, at least I know when Valentine's Day is," Linden purposely knocked her shoulder into Holder's ribcage as she walked past him.

"I'm sure Mr. Sonoma could tell me plenty of times you forgot things," Holder charged, turning his body in the direction Linden moved.

The charge was true, Linden knew, but it didn't make it sting any less. She stopped, her back to Holder. She felt a surge of emotions flow through her body. It took her back to her lying to Pastor Mike about Jack and why he was in Chicago with his dad.

"Damn, I'm sorry, Linden," Holder placed his hand on her shoulder.

Holder didn't think through what he was saying, something that plagued him often. His mouth moved faster than his brain. He didn't mean to hurt Linden and he knew that what he had said did hurt her. He gripped her shoulder tighter and then turned her toward him.

"Linden," Holder whispered.

"You're right," Linden answered, revealing nothing of the emotional turmoil she was wading through.

"I didn't…" Holder began.

"I _am_ hard to be with," Linden stopped him.

"Linden," Holder gripped both of her biceps, his eyes boring into hers.

"We do just fine," there was boastfulness in Holder's voice that was reassuring to Linden.

A slight smile appeared on Linden's face. It was followed by a look Holder couldn't decipher. He continued to look at her. The depth of feeling in Linden's eyes was paralyzing for Holder. Whatever Linden's intentions with that look, Holder found himself contemplating the softness of his partner's lips. He knew in her vulnerable state it would be a terrible idea to kiss her, yet he found himself leaning into her regardless.

"Holder…" Linden whispered in a shallow voice.

Before Holder could decide if Linden's tone was telling him not to, he felt Linden's lips push into his. She was on her tiptoes as he continued to grip her biceps. The kiss was simple, soft even. It was over before Holder could respond.

"Linden…" Holder growled.

He released her arms and placed his hands behind her neck, pulling her mouth back to his. He kissed her hard and she whimpered in response.

"This is a bad idea," Holder huffed as their mouths detached for air.

"Yes," Linden whispered.

The small detective pressed her cheek against Holder's chest as they both caught their breath and caught hold of their emotions. Both knew that it was a terrible idea, but there was a longing that couldn't be denied.

"I should get back to the station," Holder said.

"Yeah," Linden agreed, but didn't move.

"You really should try getting some sleep," Holder pressed.

Linden leaned back and immediately missed Holder's arms around her as they dropped to his sides. They stood there, eyes locked and not a word between them.

"Call Jack," Holder suggested.

"It's probably too late," Linden said as she glanced at the clock.

"Take a chance on the little man," Holder moved for the door.

Linden watched him open the door and just as he was about to walk out he turned to her. The look on his face was one she saw too often in situations like this—concern. He knew how fragile her psyche was. Only he knew how close she'd come to breaking in similar times. However, she trusted him because he let her in that night on the bridge and showed her the fragile side of himself.

"Call me if you need me, Linden," Holder smiled at his partner and closed the door.

Need. Somewhere along this crazy road that began during the Rosie Larson case Linden started needing Holder. She couldn't even pinpoint when, but she knew it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. She needed Holder.

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Wow. _The Killing_ has been intense the last 3 episodes. "Six Minutes" (3x10) was perhaps the darkest episode of the entire series. That last scene has stayed with me since. And I was still getting over "The Reckoning" (3x09)! I'm not sure if this piece will continue, but I suspect it might. Too much happening with this series to not write. -dkc

**Needing Holder – Chapter 2**

She tried. Her heart and lungs burned as she ran to him. She told him not to open that trunk. She tried. But as she knew so well, Holder would do what he wanted and he opened that trunk. She watched his heart be crushed. She watched as he clenched his jaw and put up the walls of resistance to the pain that had been handed him.

She sat with him in his apartment as they talked about the case, about Bullet, about Seward. Linden wondered if giving the court Adrian's I.D. of Mills would give them time to determine just how Seward was involved in the death of his wife, if at all. She also knew Adrian was lying. She was torn. As the looming execution of Seward weighed on her, seeing Bullet in that trunk weighed on Holder. He'd been awful to her when he saw her last. He hadn't taken her call. He felt terrible.

And then he had tried to kiss her. What in the hell was he thinking?

Holder apologized and then fell completely apart. Sobbing on his couch with her by his side. Sobbing for Bullet, sobbing for the other sixteen dead girls, sobbing for the mess that his life was, sobbing for the innocence he lost when he became an addict. Just sobbing.

Linden sat quietly with Holder, awkwardly attempting to comfort him at first and then wrapping an arm around him and resting her head on his shoulder. She reached her hands out to his clenched fists and placed her hand over them.

"Shhh…" Linden soothed.

"I didn't protect her," Holder cried.

"It wasn't your job to protect her," Linden reminded him, knowing he didn't believe that. "We can't protect them all."

"I should have answered her call. Reddick should have told me she'd called the station," Holder chocked out.

Linden lifted her head and looked at his face, the tears staining his dark expression.

"We can't control what other people do," Linden said.

Holder chuckled at this. Linden of all people saying this to him was comical to him. Linden would control everything if she could. Unfortunately, he knew too well that she couldn't control her own life, let alone anything outside that.

"Since when did you think there was something that you couldn't control?" Holder smirked at her.

Linden shrugged that noncommittal shrug that was characteristically Sarah Linden.

"What have you decided about Seward?" Holder's face was once again very serious.

"I haven't," Linden was being honest.

"Do you think he did it?" Holder looked directly at her to gauge her honesty.

"No," Linden looked away from him.

"You should go see him," Holder suggested.

Linden tucked the suggestion away for later. She was too concerned for Holder to think about Seward again while she was sitting there.

"We both headed for the loony bin after this, Lind," Holder's swagger was slowly coming back.

"Speak for yourself," Linden pulled out a cigarette, lit it, took a drag off it and handed it to Holder.

"We should quit the cancer sticks," Holder said as he exhaled smoke.

"Then what would we kill time with?"

"I dunno, sleep? Food?" Holder contemplated.

"That would tip the balance of your temple," Linden smiled slightly as she gestured to his chest.

"Nah, this temple, strong and balanced," Holder smiled back at her.

"Right," Linden stood from the couch. "I should go."

Linden started walking to Holder's door, he stood and followed her.

"About earlier?" Linden had her hand on the doorknob and stopped as he said it.

"Forget about it," Linden shrugged.

"Lind…" Holder reached for her hand. "I can't."

She turned to face him and saw sadness in his eyes. She knew he'd told the assistant D.A., his girlfriend, about his illness. Once an addict, always an addict. She knew he was torn apart by Bullet's murder. And yet she couldn't walk away from him. There was a magnetism she felt with Holder that she tried to deny.

"Tell me you aren't going to start using again," what was really worrying Linden came out. "Tell me you're going to be okay."

"I ain't fragile," Holder titled his head to rest against her forehead. "But you're right, this is probably a bad idea."

"When have we ever turned away a bad idea?" Linden smiled, her lips just millimeters away from his.

"Fuck, Linden," Holder shifted his body and wrapped his long arms around her tiny frame.

"Hmm," the corner of Linden's mouth turned up, she felt her heartbeat increase as her wide pupils peered at her partner.

Holder's hands slipped behind Linden's hips, picking her up suddenly. Linden moaned as her center came in contact with Holder's waist. She wrapped her legs around his back and used his shoulders to hold herself up. His lips came crashing into hers and for the first time she allowed his tongue to explore her mouth.

"Shit," Holder moaned.

He pressed her into the wall, her back flat against it as his hands gripped her hips and thighs.

"Holder…" she moaned. "Holder," she tried again. "Holder!"

He slowly released her and let her down, keeping his body pressed against her as they both caught their breath, the wall holding them up.

"We have to stop doing this," Linden whispered.

"Whatever you say, woman," Holder drawled.

Holder placed his arm out against the wall, pushing his body away from hers. They just stood there, eyes locked, their minds running in circles. They both knew this was a terrible idea. They both knew their timing was terrible. But when was the timing ever good in either of their lives?

"I should go," Linden breathed.

"Yeah," Holder turned the doorknob with his long, outreached arm and held the door open slightly for her.

"You sure you'll be okay?" Linden looked at him with concern.

"Ain't no reason to worry about me," Holder smirked.

"Call me if you need…" Linden's voice trailed off as she maneuvered under his arm and into the doorway.

"Yup," Holder offered as he watched Linden walk away down the hallway of his apartment building.

Stephen Holder closed the door and sunk his lanky body to the floor, his back pressed to the door. He allowed himself to fall completely apart. His tears covered his shirt, his anger about Bullet on the surface. He decided in that moment that he needed one thing. Alcohol.

_To be continued?_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in getting to chapter 3. My mind was completely blown by the season finale. I can't even guess how the series progresses from here. In any event, here is what I think should have happened after Linden watched Seward hang. Also, I'm ignoring the fact that Linden slept with Skinner. Ick. -dkc_

**Needing Holder – Chapter 3**

Linden watched as the body twitched, the air slowly draining from him as he writhed about. Linden found her own body shuddering. This man was dying because she couldn't prevent it. This man was dying because she couldn't do anything to stop it. It was the most helpless she had felt since Jack got on the plane to Chicago.

As she walked out of the prison, she realized she was trembling. She held in the tears that were welling in her eyes, but she knew there would come a time when she would crack. Linden thought it would be later when she returned either to her home or to a closer hotel. It wasn't. She couldn't hold it in.

The small detective walked out of the visitor's holding area into the parking lot of the prison and there stood Detective Stephen Holder. She walked toward him, not hiding the tears in her eyes or how broken she was.

"Lind," Holder said softly, no swagger behind it.

She walked straight into his arms and began to sob. He wrapped his long, strong arms around her small frame as she clung to his lower back with all her might. He felt her sobs and he wanted so badly to do something to help, but there was nothing that could erase the image that was replaying in her mind, the image she saw before her in that prison.

"Skinner should have been here," Linden mumbled. "He should have been here."

Though Holder could sense her anger at Skinner, he had no idea why at this point it mattered. Seward was dead. They were no closer to finding the man responsible for so many murders. He knew she was angry at herself for not being able to stop what had just happened. He knew she was angry for Adrian who had just lost his father without getting to speak to him. He knew she was angry.

"Let's get you home," Holder whispered against the top of her head.

He walked her to her car, helping her in. He knew this meant he'd be without a ride, but, as they often told each other, Linden was his ride.

"Are you okay to drive?" Linden raised an eyebrow at him as he walked around to the driver's side of the car.

"It's been hours, Linden. Don't underestimate my stunning metabolism," he joked. "You know I got me some of those pork rinds out of the machine. Dust 'em off, they still ain't half bad."

As they settled into the car, clicking their seat belts, he held out a pack of cigarettes to her. She took one greedily and lit up. There was nobody that understood the soothing routine she was participating in quite like Holder.

"Did Adrian get home?" Linden asked, avoiding eye contact with Holder for fear of crumbling again.

"His moms…" Holder realized that was the wrong thing to say, especially given the events of the last several hours. "Yeah, he got home."

Linden appreciated Holder's sensitivity. She knew he didn't allow many people to see this side of him. She also knew that he was dealing with his own demons still after seeing Bullet in the trunk of that car.

"It was nice, what you did for him," Linden continued to look at the road ahead of them.

"'Lil man needed a 'lil help's all," Holder shrugged.

She knew that Holder had helped him in that men's room. She knew he helped him fix his hair and she knew he needed a bit of a pep talk before seeing his father. Of course, he never did get to speak to his father. She knew, more than most, the fear of disappointment on the face of a parent—whether a biological parent or a foster parent.

"Holder," Linden noticed that they were pulling into the parking lot of his apartment building. His _dojo_.

He parked the car and found her staring up at the building. He gave her a moment to compose her thoughts before moving for his door.

"Your sanctuary of light?" she smiled that soft, broken smile that was so Sarah Linden.

"You know you need some light in there, Linden," he poked at her chest.

"Hey, keep your hands to yourself. You told me you were taken," she knew that when he'd told her that in the car, he wasn't entirely truthful.

Linden and Holder had always known that no matter what, they were important to one another and would always be there for each other. Linden and Holder knew that Mr. Sonoma, the A.D.A. or even Lieutenant Skinner could come between them. It wasn't possible for anyone to break the bond they had.

"Come on, Linden," Holder said, exiting the car. She was right behind him.

When the two stood outside Holder's apartment door, there was an unspoken battle waging inside both of them. They knew that the threshold to his apartment was a threshold in their relationship, their partnership. They both knew, as they had found over the past few days when they got to close, they were playing with fire and could easily be burned.

He looked at her and saw determination on her face. He worried that she was guarding herself from any eventuality. He worried that the determination he saw there was a determination to never let him completely in. He knew her walls almost as well as she did.

"Linden…" his voice was appealing to her humanity, her fragility.

"Open the door, Holder."

_To be continued…_


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: This chapter is rated M, unlike the previous 3 chapters that were rated K. You need to suspend disbelief for a bit and enter this AU where Linden didn't sleep with Skinner at the beginning of the season finale. I just can't stomach that scenario. Pretend Holder gave her crap about Skinner in the car scene only because he finally figured out that they'd had an affair years ago as partners. I guess you also have to pretend Holder didn't go back to the ADA (Caroline?) in the season finale. What happens with Holder & Linden in the season finale outside of what happened on screen, I can't imagine. What a wild finale! Thanks for reading. -dkc_

**Needing Holder – Chapter 4**

"_Linden…" his voice was appealing to her humanity, her fragility._

"_Open the door, Holder."_

Who was Stephen Holder to deny his partner what she truly wanted? He did as he was told, slowly opening the door to her and holding it out as she stepped under his arm and into his apartment.

"Lind…" Holder drawled as she walked under his arm and he turned to close the door behind her.

Before he got a response her small, lithe body was pressing him against the closed door as she stood on her tiptoes to reach his lips. He aided the effort by leaning his head toward her. Her hands held tight to his solid jaw as his long arms wrapped around her, reaching her hips without difficulty. The kiss was heated, almost angry. Her anger was never directed him. But Holder knew that it was her anger that would drive her to the ends of the worth to find whatever it was she was in search of. Was she in search of him tonight? Or was she simply in need of comfort, his presence a mere opportunity?

"I know _this_," Holder had pulled out of the kiss and was pointing to his torso, "is irresistible, but need I remind you that this is a bad idea, Linden?"

There was something about the smile on Holder's face that Sarah Linden found beyond sexy. She had thought of him like this from time to time over the time they'd been partners, but she had never felt anything other than simple lust. She felt something much deeper now as she looked at him.

"Holder," Linden growled at him as she pressed herself harder against him, his growing excitement pressing against her stomach. "I never ask anything of you. You do risky things with me, hell, for me, all the time. I'm asking you now."

Linden's voice had reached a place Holder had never heard and in it, her need was clear.

"So ask me then, Miss Linden," Holder smirked.

"Take me to bed," she looked into his eyes and saw in his pleasant surprise and a similar need.

"That's all you had to say," his swagger was tempered by his wanting her.

In one swoop, Holder's long arms reached behind Linden and lifted her. She responded by wrapping her arms and legs around him and pressing her mouth hard against his. He walked them to his bedroom while still accepting her kiss. As they entered his bedroom, she felt him stepping out of his loosely tied shoes. As he shifted his weight to do so, she gripped his sides with her thighs as she removed her own coat and threw her sweatshirt over her head.

"God, Lind," Holder looked at her creamy chest, covered by only a simple black satin bra.

Linden didn't respond to his attention, instead continuing to grip him with her thighs as she pushed his coat off and helped him out of his hooded sweatshirt. Underneath he wore a white tank top, sheer enough to show his many tattoos. Tattoos she found fascinating and representative of Holder's journey.

He walked them to the end of the bed and gently laid her down, reaching for her legs as she quickly unbuttoned her jeans. He removed her pants and then reached for her panties, easily sliding them down her white legs. He threw off his tank top and began unbuttoning his own pants, but was stopped by her small hands. She undid his belt and unbuttoned his jeans while looking up into his eyes from her now seated position. As his baggy jeans dropped to the floor, she smiled at his tenting boxers.

"Don't do that," he growled as he crawled over her as she was backing toward the headboard of the bed.

"Why not?" she smirked.

"Your smile, Lind, it makes me cray," Holder lowered himself onto her, causing her to gasp.

"Cray?" she breathed.

"Cray. You know? Crazy?" Holder smiled as he shifted his hips just enough to cause a chill to travel down each of their spines.

"Holder…" Linden moaned.

Holder's mouth began trailing from Linden's jaw down to the crevice between her small breasts. He used his tongue to trace the top edge of her bra over each of her breasts and then reached behind to unclasp the problematic garment. He carefully removed each strap from her shoulders.

"Dayum," Holder sighed as he took in the woman beneath him.

"Stop," her small hands gripped his hips and gave his boxers a tug.

"You're hot. Betch you one of 'em MILFs. Yeah, you definitely a MILF, Lind," he teased her as she rid him of her boxers.

"I swear to god, Holder," she growled at him.

As he lowered back down to her, she was impatient, reaching down to direct him.

"Not much for foreplay, huh?" He smirked at her and she responded only by a slight squeeze that nearly made his arms buckle.

He entered her with a grunt, remembering just how small she is. She moaned his name or what sounded like his name and adjusted her hips to allow him to continue. It didn't take long them to find the perfect pace and rhythm. Much like their partnership, there was a give and take that was largely silent.

Linden's anger resurfaced, driving her want and need of Holder to new heights. She gripped his shoulders as best she could. Eventually he tired of attempting to make them hit perfectly and instead rolled them over so she was on top. The new position better suited their size difference.

It didn't take long for them to reach a point in which neither could hold on any longer.

"Stephen," she cried. She had never used his first name before.

He moaned loudly as she continued making a motion with her hips that he found tantalizing. Her hands were on his chest and his on her hips. Eventually his large hands covered her breasts, tweaking her nipples slightly. It was all she could take, her deep moan moving through her body as she climaxed. He followed almost immediately.

"Oh my god," she mumbled into his chest as she collapsed against him.

He didn't have words. He knew that if they ever crossed this line it would be beyond satisfying. He also knew that it could tear them apart. They would go to the ends of the Earth for each other and he worried if this wouldn't cause them to take even bigger risks than they already did. Lost in his thoughts, Holder realized that Linden was sobbing against him, her tears dampening his chest.

"It's okay, Linden," he hummed. "It's okay."

His long arms wrapped around and he pulled a throw over them. She continued to sob against him. He knew that she was finally letting go; letting go of everything she had held in since the moment she met Adrian Seward. She cried for Tricia Seward. She cried for Adrian Seward, now an orphan. She cried for Ray Seward and his last minutes on this Earth. She cried for all of the girls whose fingers were removed, some of them unidentified. She cried for Bullet. She cried for Holder and what he saw in that trunk. For once, Linden cried for herself. For the loss she continued to feel because of Jack. For the relationships that had suffered because of her dedication to the job and, ultimately, the case she'd been obsessed with since Seward was killed. She cried. And he held her.

Eventually Holder noticed Linden's tears subside, her breathing slow and her body relax. She was asleep on his chest, his arms tight around her naked body.

Holder adjusted their bodies, making sure to keep her covered and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head.

For the first time since he had met Sarah Linden, Stephen Holder recognized that she actually needed him. She was human after all.

-finis-


End file.
